The New Wave to End All New Waves

Oh man... what happened?!? I had another article ready to go aside from adding pictures. Count even asked why it wasn't ready when I showed it to him. Yet something much more important in goth subculture has popped up that must be addressed right away.

I have a confession. For years I have hidden this aspect of my gothic personality and now its time to come clean. I even wrote and recorded a song a few years ago relating to the subject matter - saving that for the end of the article. I have lived it and it is clearly my lifestyle of choice. It is the type of goth I am and have always been.

I am talking about ToiletGoth.

So how did I discover my true self? It all started on the night of the 12th of June 2016. I was on my way to DecaDanse (a local goth/alt mixed genre night I also happen to DJ at). I was in a car with my friends Mel, Grant and Mel's dad Sean who was driving us. We needed to make a 'pit stop' of sorts. By pure luck (or what we would later come to realise as the ToiletGoth group mentality) we all needed to go. So we did at a pub along the way. Grant's toilet of choice was the cubicle as he prefers the isolation and acoustics of a smaller enclosed space. My toilet of choice was the silver pissing wall.

So I'm there blessing the urinal the only way I know how and Grant emerges from his fartress of solitude to see me still letting fly. He bursts out laughing because of the logistics of my situation. I'm wearing a frock and leggings so I have to lift the frock up and pull the leggings down to get a proper stream going without peeing all over myself. It is then he decides the following photo must be taken.

#shinyandchrome

With this photograph and a couple of others to follow, a (toilet)gothic legend was born. The myth made real. Before people talked about ToiletGoth in hushed whispers but now we can come out of the cubicle and be ourselves!

Since I am now out of the cubicle properly, you shall all refer to me as my new ToiletGoth name. I am Latrine Pissraven forevermore.

I had no idea I would be setting the next trend in goth subculture with these silly candid photos. But its more than a trend - its a way of life! A lifestyle if you will. A Toiletgothic lifestyle. I am and forever will be ToiletGoth. Its not a phase, Mum!

I was born ToiletGoth. Looking back to when I was a kid the signs were clearly there. Whenever I needed to go, the toilet was there for me. As I grew older I learned the art of truly feeling ToiletGoth (ToiletGoth is too an emotion!) as I would drink too much and feed the white porcelain that matched my ashen complexion. And sometimes when my stomach rumbled and churned the wrong way I fed it other liquid refreshments too. Or was it the right way? Maybe that was the true feeling of ToiletGoth in its final form.

So here I stand (usually at the urinal), an elder of the ToiletGoth goth type. Here to pass on the one's and two's of ToiletGoth so the kids can follow the legacy long after I am gone and wearing adult diapers because my enthusiasm for ToiletGoth finishes me too soon. The mind is very alive but the bladder and bowels are weak.

o/` Let it gooooo o/`

o/` Let it gooooo o/`

o/` From my dick o/`

o/` The piss will flow o/`

The Rules

Yes I know. I sound like an elitist colostomy bag for this but the rules have to be laid down. After all how could we tell ToiletGoth from other goth types like Etherial Goth and Metal Goth?

First Rule

Your hair must be a colour associated with the ToiletGoth lifestyle. A ToiletGoth's hair is a big signifier of who they are and it helps separate us from the masses and other goth types who steal our style. White for the porcelain, Silver for the pissing wall, Blue for the waters, Blonde for the piss itself, Brown for the twos. Of if you want to be of some sort of futuristic alien world you could even dye your hair red or pink - alien waters are probably those colours.

Come to think of it just about any colour will do as long as its not black. Because ToiletGoth is never black in the hair department. That implies your colon is bleeding as you go and that is never a good thing to celebrate with your hair. 

Second Rule

To be a true ToiletGoth you must have been in a toilet at least once in your life. Sorry native peoples who life off the land and mountain-born wild people, you can't be ToiletGoth. It is distasteful to squat in the bushes to do your business and we won't have it.

 Write here...

You're doing it wrong Mr Bowie. You can't sit with us!

Third Rule

Like in mainstream goth subculture, gender signs on toilets are completely optional. Yes ladies, you too can pee at the urinal as an equal! Just arch your hips forward and push hard. Don't worry if you miss, given the state of most pissing walls in nightclubs the men miss too even with better equipment for the task at their disposal.

Fourth Rule

A ToiletGoth's attire is very important. Though as long as its black you should be ok. It is ToiletGoth after all and not ToiletPunk (two completely different sub-subcultures).

Also if you dress like Johnny Slut from Specimen you can't call yourself ToiletGoth. You are a ToiletDeathrocker! You should be proud to be a ToiletDeathrocker as they are even better special snowflakes than us ToiletGoths are.

Fifth Rule

Disregard the Fourth Rule. Wear whatever the hell you like. If its good enough for Pastel Goth and Nu Goth then dammit, its good enough for us! We are the all-welcoming home of the outcast (who like to hang out in toilets) and we turn no one away (unless they have never been in a toilet)!

This is where I flush my pain away one button press at a time

 

Some common ToiletGoth terms

#ToiletGoth - The popular hashtag on social media websites such as Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Tumblr for general ToiletGoth awareness.

BabyShat - Someone new to ToiletGoth.

Commode Party - A party where all Toiletgoths bring a commode so they all have their own personal toilet and a seat. You don't have to wear pants, you can drink all night and never have to get up. Its awesome!

ElderShat - An old ToiletGoth.

I'm so ToiletGoth, I bat shits - a common ToiletGoth joke, often expressed in meme form on the internet.

Piss Jiggle - a dance move that looks like a man shaking the last few drops of pee from his penis.

Pissing Razorblades - an act ToiletGoths who are into hardcore BDSM or vampire fetishism do. You either deliberately contract a disease that will make peeing painful or cut your genitals with a razor before peeing.

Shiny and Chrome - a term used lovingly to refer to a urinal in silver pissing wall form

The Shat - William Shatner, patron saint of ToiletGoths. May the Rocket Man let fly forever. Yes its gonna be a long, long time.

The ToiletGoth Poo-Step - A popular ToiletGoth dance move where they slowly making their way around the dancefloor like they are trying to get to the toilet before they crap in their pants.

The Wipe and Flush - A dance move that has one hand waving behind your bum and the other pulling a lavatory chain.

Vincent Vega Foundation - A charity which was founded to raise ToiletGoth awareness in honour of a ToiletGoth man who was shot dead on the toilet by a homophobic criminal.

World ToiletGoth Day - Celebrated on 12th June (the birthday of ToiletGoth), ToiletGoths around the world mark the occasion by taking photos of each other (or selfies) in toilets and posting them on the internet under the ToiletGoth hashtag. Of course you should be doing this all year round anyway (what business do you have calling yourself ToiletGoth if you don't?) but special day is special because its special.

I celebrated the first World ToiletGoth Day. Did you?

Lets be honest. The real life of the party at a nightclub is in the toilets anyway. You can't chat or fix your make up with all that dim lighting and annoying music. ToiletGoths are social creatures and you'll make plenty of friends. Come join the new wave that will flush away all other goth types. ToiletGoth is forever unlike those fads like Steampunk, Gothic Lolita and Trad Goth.

So let me end with the song of my people...

-Aytakk has been active in the goth scene since the mid 90s both online and in real life. He firmly believes in the old line "if you don't get the joke, you are the joke". As well as this he produces music for a couple of music projects: Corpulence On The Catwalk (goth/darkwave/coldwave) and Hypnophile (aggrotech/power noise). He is also a club DJ and nemesis of DJ Jelly.

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Aytakk

Aytakk has been active in the goth scene since the mid 90s both online and in real life. He firmly believes in the old line "if you don't get the joke, you are the joke". As well as this he produces music for a couple of music projects: Corpulence On The Catwalk (goth/darkwave/coldwave) and Hypnophile (aggrotech/power noise). He is also a club DJ and nemesis of DJ Jelly.